Just by Trust

Mullering about.

2010-02-04T22:11:00.000-08:00

OK, so we have this wall of fees on the fridge. It lists our impending fees before we start making travel arrangements. The top left post-it is for the dossier fee and 2nd agency fee, which have to be paid before we send this gianourmous packet of papers (doss) to ch*n* for processing. This is an important step because it is all the legal paperwork needed for the Ch*n*s*to start making the adoption official. Once it is sent in, we begin the countdown clock to travel(ish).

Well, woohoo! We got the paperwork back and are ready to send it in...right?

Eh, there is the little matter of the top left post-it note. $3850...which, of course, we don't have.

And, of course, I have staked everything on the fact that God will provide the money we need when we need it. It was really stressing wife out, because the doss is in our hands now and some of our papers in it will expire soon if we don't get it sent off soon.

Now at the same time, literally we were having some confusion about something on my w2 and I had to talk to the HR director to figure it out before I could do taxes. And, naturally, the rare crippling snow fall would hit just then, setting off a chain of events preventing me from getting that straightened out for almost a week. So we were in a holding pattern as we tried to decide what to do.

During the wait, God did something really sweet. We were going through pictures on an old hard drive and found all kinds of pictures. FX playing, FX and YY, Me holding FX. I don't really remember taking these pictures, but it was a reminder that God ordained this boy to be ours long before we had the slightest inkling.

Fast forward to this week(Tues). By now Wife is stressed beyond belief over the money. We discuss taking out a short term loan and decide that Wife will check out rates the next morning. As we are going to sleep at 2am Wife said, "We've been trusting that God would do this when we need it and we need it now. We may be George Mullering* it, but there's no bread and milk trucks outside."

Now I maybe thick as a whale omelet, but I've learned the hard way on that one. I am comfortable with Mullering, and wife has taken it like a trooper for 16 years. But often, when she is feeling overwhelmed, I think an inspiring story will comfort and encourage her (call it the old preacher in me.) What I see as a pep talk can be a heavy load to my wife. She's dealing with real emotion and it seems that I am saying, "if you only had more faith..." which is unintended but still condemnation. So I had tactfully avoided mentioning Muller this entire process. "Well, maybe there will be one tomorrow."

Fast forward 18 hours. Earlier in the day, wife had contacted the agency and found out that our fee was $300 less than we were expecting. Only $3530 to go. She asked me to do the taxes(which I had stalled out on) and see if we would get back enough to help cut some of what we would need to borrow. So turbotax and I sat down to work that evening to discover...our return covered the 2900 agency fee. Oh with enough to cover the doss fee as well. Oh and enough left over (literally) to cover what I had spent to buy turbotax.

We were worried and befuddled, but God had already worked it out to the dime. And if there hadn't been that question on the w2, we would have known before the doss came back and Wife could have missed the stress...although I probably would have socked it away on credit cards (we put the surprise excess from YY's adoption on a card. ouch. don't do it!) So here's the new talley...

$3530 down (plus $4100 already paid)

$7460 to go (plus travel, renovations, surgeries, credit card.)

Baby step, joyfully, to the fridge and mark on the top left post-it note, "Provided."

(*Muller lived a life of extreme faith, taking in countless orphans and trusting that God would provide. The story goes: on one occasion, there was no food for the children at lunch time, but Muller insisted on blessing the food anyway and trusting that the Lord would provide. At that moment, a bread and a milk truck had both broken down outside the house and the drivers rang the door bell to see if the family wanted the bread and milk, rather than letting it go to waste.)

The Wall of Fees

2010-02-04T21:24:00.000-08:00

I promised many of you that I would post our needs, our trials and our victories so that they too could share in what God is doing to bring FX home. So here goes!

I placed post it notes on the fridge detailing what each section of fees costs. I did them individually so that as a need is taken care of, we can write the date as a reminder of what God has done...will do.

So here's The Wall of Fees.

Essentially, before we start with travel expenses (which can be hefty) we need the Lord to provide $11,010. Then we will need to gather funds for Travel, home renovations and the impending surgeries... baby step to the fridge. Those items will take care of themselves later.

I've now put it all up there for everyone to see. Again, I say that you are my witnesses. When God does it, I want you to rejoice with us over the magnitude of the miracle.

Christmas

2010-01-17T20:36:00.000-08:00

Ok, I promise that this will be brighter than Yesterday's post. Lots of good things are going on, and I will tell you soon. In the meantime, here is a video I promised of FX from before Christmas.

Like any group of motherly/aunties, the AYI's decided that FX should film a thank you note to YY for the presents. And like any preteen boy, he gets appropriately frozen by the pressure. Don't be their monkey, son. The inch you give them today, will come back to haunt you tomorrow! What? No,no. Don't do Jingle Bells. Don't do it!

That's it. It's time for an intervention. Daddy's on the way.

More vids to come!

2010-01-17T00:59:00.000-08:00

Can I be honest with you for this post? Can I be honest with myself for more than a minute?

There are giants. I have no doubt that God can conquer them, but I know they are there.

It makes me feel ashamed. My head or my spirit says that inside those huge walls are only average sized obstacles, but as I stand here mustering my courage, I am quaking in my boots. Just by trust, indeed.

When we started this journey, after much prayer, I knew some of the obstacles that we would face. I was aware of the impossible strain that this would put on our finances and even our marriage. I knew in my heart that freaky things would go wrong and that we would be tempted to turn back.

Some (of the eight of you who actually read this) know that as soon as we had confirmation that we could get FX, I began calling him my son, using his name and sharing our/his story. Some of you see this was good, expectant fatherhood. I have proclaimed boldly that finances and miracles are God's details to work out and not ours, which some may perceive to be faith. I fear that it was more like lashing myself to the plow, and whipping the horse. I can't leave any wiggle room for my oh so faithless heart. I committed to this new son of mine with my words and reputation from the start, and to everyone that I knew, so that the cost of turning back would be just to high.

My wife calls FX the treasure hidden in a field. I believe that is true and I have sold all my freedom and second chances to buy him. I had to because I know my lazy, unfeeling heart.

So much has happened. So many good things like fingerprints being done, the final US immigrations approval coming back so quickly, and strangers offering to come help remodel the house to accommodate FX. So many good things have seen us through the desert of paperwork.

But now, I am standing at the river looking across at the giant fortress ahead.

We are maybe five or six months from travel and we are far from reaching the amount we need to raise. NO problem, God owns the cattle on a thousand hills.
We probably won't be able to move or add on to accommodate FX. No problem, we'll knock out some walls and throw away stuff-build some ramps, etc.

These aren't giants, and they don't seem like them to me, though I know that they are too much for us. We knew those giants were in the land. Then there is the freaky stuff like:

Wife hitting a deer this week with the car .
tonight a leak in the roof recurred that we had fixed before YY came home.
Thursday the Quarry blasts pulled all the crown moulding apart from the ceiling and knocked cabinets out of line.

My wife pointed out that in less than a week, suddenly our house is back in much the same situation it was before we left to pick up YY. It feels to her as if it has erased the hard work that so many people put into fixing our home.

But those are not my giants. I know that even if we have to fight uphill to get the quarry to pay for it, we will get it taken care of. I know that the leak can be fixed. I am grateful that Wife was driving my old metal hood car and not the new break away hood car that we use to take YY everywhere.

I see my giant not in the fortress on the other side of the river. I see my giant staring back at me in the water itself. My own worst enemy. I have absolute faith that God can work out all the details and conquer the inevitable freakishness. But what will be the cost of my faltering leadership; my failure to prioritize; my inability to comfort my wife (instead of lecturing her)?

Do I know my own heart? Is what I perceive to be faith really apathy? Is what I perceive to be patience really just laziness? How often is what I believe to be meekness really only my lack of courage. What sort of time am I costing FX and us? What blessings am I blocking from this family?

Who can save me from this monster that I see all to well in my reflection?

There is One, and One alone who can. But it takes every scrap of faith that I have to believe that I will ever be able to let Him. I see the giant before me, clear as day, and it terrifies me.

Handicaps

2009-12-13T20:52:00.000-08:00

Our good friend, Lao T just returned from CN where he was kind enough to take presents to our son. Dear brother that he is, he always makes it seem like trekking to the other side of one of the world's largest cities to drop some presents or letters to our little boy is no big deal. I have made the journey...and it is a huge deal Lao T. What a blessing to have that kind of a friend.

But, wait, there's more. No, Lao T didn't just drop the presents and run. He went in and spent some time videotaping and chatting. He helped FX read our letters and filmed his responses. He gauged whether or not FX had any idea of what was happening. He gathered info about FX's schooling and his spirits. and rather than just dumping us a tape, he is editing together the footage for us (which I hope we will be able to pass on soon.) Who has friends like that? Oh, we do.

During lunch today, our jet lagged friend was telling us about his trip. At one point in the conversation he turned to me and said, "by the way, he isn't handicapped. I don't think he thinks of himself as handicapped. He gets around everywhere he wants to go. And he directs the other children, taking care of them and telling them what to do."

Tell me about it. He is a most remarkable boy and we fell in love with him instantly. He spends much of his time out of his wheel chair and just rolls around (with lightning speed) to get where he is going. That is a huge part of why we need to renovate the house (or move). If he were just wheel chair bound, we could work out traffic patterns and furnishings. But in our cramped house, he would almost be entirely wheel chair bound because he could only roll a few feet in the living room and could never easily make it down the hall to his own room. Of course, as I write this I know that if this is the best we can do...he will adapt. Not because he has to settle, but because it is what he does. He is an overcomer. I don't want us to cramp or hinder him, but at the same time I know that he won't let himself be hindered...even if he is cramped.

And so, lest anyone think my son is handicapped, I present part two of our first meeting with FX so you can understand what a remarkable person he is. May we all be so handicapable.

Yipes!!!

2009-12-12T22:34:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I seemed to have stalled out a bit. The end of the semester is a crunch and we mount a new show on Jan. 4th so things are pretty crunched getting into Christmas break.

Which reminds me.

A good friend was going to CN on business and he was kind enough to drop by some Christmas presents to our son. We actually sent some to the two other older boys as well, so as not to tip our hand. I am attaching some pictures.

About a month ago, YY started figuring out that we were in the process of adopting again. It has been a strange little journey. I wasn't sure if his mind was trying to blend out the fact that we haven't always been with him, but in the last month he has been secure enough to bring it up from time to time. (Not that it has affected his bonding to us. We are bonded supa tight! )

So he started asking about the process. He wants a brother and a sister. He has been excited to talk about bunk beds and sharing his toys. He is so excited.

And then, of course, he figured out it was FX last week. He could hardly be contained. He told me at dinner one night, "FX is going to be my brother and it is all because of me."

I said yes and laughed it off.

I'm not sure that I am laughing anymore. This past week it has become more and more evident to me that it is all because of him. We would never had considered FX without having been changed by YY. We never would have known that FX even existed without YY.

We debated the pros and cons for YY if we did this and we weighed the options for him and FX as well. And in the end, the only reason we were given FX, could even find his paperwork, was because everybody was moved by their special friendship at BS. So, yes, YY. It is because of you or by way of you.

We write our own stories as we go along, but so often we don't really know the whole. We close the chapter and isolate the anecdote without seeing the larger narrative. I had no way to know that meeting son #1 would be God's way of introducing me to son #2 (who is actually, son #1. I guess the first will really be last this time!)

YY prays for FX every night, and at every meal. And he asks me everyday if he can pray for a sister too. I keep telling him that we have to get FX home and settled first, but he says he will still pray anyway.

Why did I teach him about praying so early? We are so hosed.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-29T12:57:00.001-08:00

Whew! We made it through Thanksgiving. Almost Christmas break, almost Christmas break. For those who don't know, on top of my teaching schedule (which is relatively light), I do technical production for about 14 major events from Sept. to April, plus parent nights, awards assemblies, special events etc. As you can imagine, it is fairly wall-to-wall and leaves Anna (God bless her) to be a single parent much of the time. YY and I make the most of every gap in the schedule I can find, but Anna still bears the bulk of the load right now.
No complaints, mind you. We knew what it would be like when we chose to adopt. The school has gone out of it's way to be accommodating to me and they have been very generous. We weighed the cost of this tower before we started building. Special needs adoption would mean that Anna would have to leave her job. Working at my school would mean I could not pick up another job. Our income would go to half and Anna's workload would double (at least).
We could have chosen for me to find another job that paid more or with a less demanding schedule, but starting all over would have meant years of delay in the next adoption as my work history stabilized again. We could have chosen a less demanding special need (in either adoption). But as we weighed the cost, we were convinced that the time was now...and the child was FX.

And I am Thankful. We walked a difficult path early in our marriage and it made our marriage stronger. Trusting God, day by day, for even the food that you will eat has a way of strengthening a marriage. You both are cling by a thread, but you both recognize that it is the only thread there is. I could spend days telling you about all the sublime and miraculous ways that God cared for us in those days. Just get me started. His faithfulness is unbelievable...His ways of providing were pretty unbelievable too! (honestly, don't get me started unless you really have the time. I love to tell those stories.)

And so I preach this to myself and not to you. This post is to remind me to be Thankful for the uncertain, the impossible and the insurmountable nature of bringing FX home. We have been here before. Many times before. It tested our nerves, our faith and our marriage. It tested our will and sense of what was fair in the world. It rewrote almost every scrap of my philosophy and Theology. But it made me a man, and I would not have been the father my boys needed without being refined in that crucible.

I am Thankful that we get to do it again. I am thankful that this will be forever a part of my son's story. I am Thankful. When he wonders at cruelty or hardship, or feels like he should just give up, I am thankful that he will know that God has already conquered the uncertainty, confounded the impossibility, and placed his flag right on the peak of that insurmountable mountain.

I wish it was easy, but for his sake; for YY's sake; and for my sake I am Thankful that it isn't. I can't wait tell this story. You are my witnesses. Hold on for the ride and see what He does.

Happy Thanksgiving.

The edge of a knife

2009-11-23T19:33:00.000-08:00

Adopting a child you know, from a country that doesn't want you to know anything about the child you adopt, is like standing on the edge of a knife. A very long knife, to be sure.

The CN government doesn't really like for people to adopt specific children, so we can't do too much to draw attention to ourselves. On the other hand, the caretakers know and want to tell because they don't want to see this sweet boy suffering from thinking that no family wants him.

CN doesn't like for us to have much contact, Caretakers want us to lay it all on the table.

And what about FX? What would he want? Is it better to tell him now, knowing that it could be a year or more of waiting. What if the process stalls out? What if we hit a snag? Would we start trying to skype in every week or so to check in? It seems like kindness on one hand, but it also seems that this distant familiarity might actually harm real bonding when we finally come together. Would we be the housemates he is coming to live with; his permanent exchange family?

I look at the pictures of him and know that he is getting older by the day. We long to bring him home. We long to tell him that he is our son. But part of me fears that this might be more painful, more distressing than continuing on with "aunties" who love him, unaware that we are here until we get some hard deadlines. At least then his life is normal, for a while.

Perhaps the Ayi's should tell him that he is being adopted and that they will learn more about his family when the time comes. I am not really sure that this is possible. Everyone there is so excited about his coming to be with YY that I am pretty sure any crack in the wall will result in the entire dam bursting.

And so for now, we walk the knife. The blade cuts deeply into our feet with every step, but at least we always have a pretty clear idea where the next step has to land. The way is narrow and straight the gate...

First Meetings

2009-11-20T12:32:00.001-08:00

O.K.
So tomorrow is the big adoption walk at Grace Chapel. We are so excited that some of you will be coming out to walk with us, it is about the only way I get enough time to see some of you. We are excited!
But since it is tomorrow, I thought I should give you a chance to meet FX the way we did, before we knew anything about his incredible story.
In the weeks proceeding our travel to China to pick up YoYo, We were allowed to Skype the foster home on several occasions to talk to him. I don't know if you've tried to get a Three year old to talk on the phone, but it is even weirder when you (a stranger) are trying to get them to talk to you on them computer in a language they don't understand. So the first time we tried,YoYo stared at the screen for about 12 seconds and wanted to go play. I'm sure he couldn't figure out why he should talk back to the TV.
We decided to sit a bit and see if he would come back, and so one of the Ayi's mentioned that YoYo's "older brother" wanted to know if he could practice his english. So this boy pops himself onto the bench and begins to talk to us in English which is remarkable for a boy of eight in the middle of Beijiing.
As we talked, YoYo became curious as to what he was going on so he jumped up on the stool too. Little did I dream, at that moment, that the day that I first talked to my son, I was talking to both of them at the same time. I took a picture, but I can't find it. Arrgghh.
But what I can find is this...a clip from our first day at the foster home. The foster home director had the imagination to take our camera so that she could film our first moments with YoYo. In order to give YoYo time to become comfortable enough to come meet us, she introduced us first to FX. If this dear friend (now a friend) hadn't, inexplicably, decided to film that meeting too, we wouldn't have any of this footage. I was busy writing my story in the moment, but God was reading pages I couldn't even imagine!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you....YoYo's elder brother, FX
p.s. the sound might be a little wiggy, I'm not sure.

Flipping

2009-11-20T05:36:00.000-08:00

We write our stories as we go along, which can be dangerous. We make assumptions and decisions about what happened and why. We assign meaning or virtue to pieces and parts, and all to often we decide what God is doing and what God's will is before we have enough distance to really see the whole picture.

YoYo and I love to read stories together. When he is curled up on my lap and invested it is some of the best "BabaYoYo" time. Last night, like many nights before, as I was reading one page he would flip to the next page before I finished. I guess he thinks he knows what is about to happen so he's ready to move on to the next part of the story. I remind him again that he needs to listen to the story because if we don't read the whole page then what happens later won't make sense. So I started reading again, and after a page or two he started trying to browse the rest of the pages while leaving the page I am on just open enough to read. It didn't really work. So I stopped reading and closed the book. "you aren't really interested in the story right now, you just want to figure out what happens." We go through this a lot. He always wants me to finish reading and I do, reminding him to focus on the story and not just the pictures.

How like my life. I am always in danger of missing the beauty of what my Father is doing because I am busy flipping pages. Here I am making decisions and proclamation before I really know what has happened; before I can see what He sees clearly written just a few lines ahead. I think that is the danger of blogging sometimes. I guess we'll see.

Thank You

2009-11-19T09:00:00.001-08:00

Dear Friends,
We are so blessed that you care about us enough to walk with us through this journey. You guys are amazing. Please stand in the gap for us in prayer.
There are so many God-sized obstacles to be overcome, but we know he will do it. I think of where we started in the process two years ago with YoYo. Looking at his file, I thought Anna was crazy to want to request him and I thought that any agency would be crazy to think that we would be the best parents for him. I told Anna, "no one in their right mind would give us this boy. If God wants us to have him, nothing on earth can stop us from being selected for him."
Three days later, we were offered this beautiful, but frightfully damaged little boy. We were warned that it would be a life of surgeries and hardships. I couldn't imagine how to hold him, let alone play with him without injuring him. We were signing on for a life impossible difficulties and insurmountable financial ruin. But in the face of all that, God's voice was clear, "This is your son. No matter what the price, no matter what the odds. I will be faithful." Despite our uncertainty for what the future would look like, we had peace that God was about to do something that we couldn't even imagine.
And He has been true to His word. The super active, musical, athletic, healthy, genius of a boy that is asleep in the bedroom 15 foot from where I am sitting this moment, stands in stark contrast to the fragile child we had expected to exchange our way of life for. I've changed alright. I have to work out just to be able to keep up with him.
What can separate us from the love of God? Not insurmountable medical conditions, not financial burdens, not catastrophic earthquakes, not even my own fears and failings.
And so, we come to FX whose needs seem insurmountable, whose accommodation seems even more fiscally impossible, and an economic earthquake. Fear calls out that this is the wrong child, the wrong choice and the wrong time. But Faith remembers that this family is already built on God’s ability to do the impossible. Not just to heal YoYo, or to spare our lives, but to change my fearful heart.
We look forward to seeing God do what only he can imagine in our family, and in yours. Thanks for being here on the voyage.

2009-11-19T08:40:00.000-08:00

My dearly departed friend, Milton Murphy, used to say,"every beginning is difficult." I find that to be true here as I sit down to begin chronicling our journey toward our new son FX. I will try to be as honest and open as I can, but please remember for security reason, there are some things I can't say on the Internet. There will be gaps in some stories or some incongruent elements . "There is more in Heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophies, Horatio." One day we will tell the story in full.