Christmas

Ok, I promise that this will be brighter than Yesterday's post. Lots of good things are going on, and I will tell you soon. In the meantime, here is a video I promised of FX from before Christmas.

Like any group of motherly/aunties, the AYI's decided that FX should film a thank you note to YY for the presents. And like any preteen boy, he gets appropriately frozen by the pressure. Don't be their monkey, son. The inch you give them today, will come back to haunt you tomorrow! What? No,no. Don't do Jingle Bells. Don't do it!

That's it. It's time for an intervention. Daddy's on the way.

More vids to come!

Can I be honest with you for this post? Can I be honest with myself for more than a minute?

There are giants. I have no doubt that God can conquer them, but I know they are there.

It makes me feel ashamed. My head or my spirit says that inside those huge walls are only average sized obstacles, but as I stand here mustering my courage, I am quaking in my boots. Just by trust, indeed.

When we started this journey, after much prayer, I knew some of the obstacles that we would face. I was aware of the impossible strain that this would put on our finances and even our marriage. I knew in my heart that freaky things would go wrong and that we would be tempted to turn back.

Some (of the eight of you who actually read this) know that as soon as we had confirmation that we could get FX, I began calling him my son, using his name and sharing our/his story. Some of you see this was good, expectant fatherhood. I have proclaimed boldly that finances and miracles are God's details to work out and not ours, which some may perceive to be faith. I fear that it was more like lashing myself to the plow, and whipping the horse. I can't leave any wiggle room for my oh so faithless heart. I committed to this new son of mine with my words and reputation from the start, and to everyone that I knew, so that the cost of turning back would be just to high.

My wife calls FX the treasure hidden in a field. I believe that is true and I have sold all my freedom and second chances to buy him. I had to because I know my lazy, unfeeling heart.

So much has happened. So many good things like fingerprints being done, the final US immigrations approval coming back so quickly, and strangers offering to come help remodel the house to accommodate FX. So many good things have seen us through the desert of paperwork.

But now, I am standing at the river looking across at the giant fortress ahead.

• We are maybe five or six months from travel and we are far from reaching the amount we need to raise. NO problem, God owns the cattle on a thousand hills.
• We probably won't be able to move or add on to accommodate FX. No problem, we'll knock out some walls and throw away stuff-build some ramps, etc.

These aren't giants, and they don't seem like them to me, though I know that they are too much for us. We knew those giants were in the land. Then there is the freaky stuff like:

• Wife hitting a deer this week with the car .
• tonight a leak in the roof recurred that we had fixed before YY came home.
• Thursday the Quarry blasts pulled all the crown moulding apart from the ceiling and knocked cabinets out of line.

My wife pointed out that in less than a week, suddenly our house is back in much the same situation it was before we left to pick up YY. It feels to her as if it has erased the hard work that so many people put into fixing our home.

But those are not my giants. I know that even if we have to fight uphill to get the quarry to pay for it, we will get it taken care of. I know that the leak can be fixed. I am grateful that Wife was driving my old metal hood car and not the new break away hood car that we use to take YY everywhere.

I see my giant not in the fortress on the other side of the river. I see my giant staring back at me in the water itself. My own worst enemy. I have absolute faith that God can work out all the details and conquer the inevitable freakishness. But what will be the cost of my faltering leadership; my failure to prioritize; my inability to comfort my wife (instead of lecturing her)?

Do I know my own heart? Is what I perceive to be faith really apathy? Is what I perceive to be patience really just laziness? How often is what I believe to be meekness really only my lack of courage. What sort of time am I costing FX and us? What blessings am I blocking from this family?

Who can save me from this monster that I see all to well in my reflection?

There is One, and One alone who can. But it takes every scrap of faith that I have to believe that I will ever be able to let Him. I see the giant before me, clear as day, and it terrifies me.

Handicaps

Our good friend, Lao T just returned from CN where he was kind enough to take presents to our son. Dear brother that he is, he always makes it seem like trekking to the other side of one of the world's largest cities to drop some presents or letters to our little boy is no big deal. I have made the journey...and it is a huge deal Lao T. What a blessing to have that kind of a friend.

But, wait, there's more. No, Lao T didn't just drop the presents and run. He went in and spent some time videotaping and chatting. He helped FX read our letters and filmed his responses. He gauged whether or not FX had any idea of what was happening. He gathered info about FX's schooling and his spirits. and rather than just dumping us a tape, he is editing together the footage for us (which I hope we will be able to pass on soon.) Who has friends like that? Oh, we do.

During lunch today, our jet lagged friend was telling us about his trip. At one point in the conversation he turned to me and said, "by the way, he isn't handicapped. I don't think he thinks of himself as handicapped. He gets around everywhere he wants to go. And he directs the other children, taking care of them and telling them what to do."

Tell me about it. He is a most remarkable boy and we fell in love with him instantly. He spends much of his time out of his wheel chair and just rolls around (with lightning speed) to get where he is going. That is a huge part of why we need to renovate the house (or move). If he were just wheel chair bound, we could work out traffic patterns and furnishings. But in our cramped house, he would almost be entirely wheel chair bound because he could only roll a few feet in the living room and could never easily make it down the hall to his own room. Of course, as I write this I know that if this is the best we can do...he will adapt. Not because he has to settle, but because it is what he does. He is an overcomer. I don't want us to cramp or hinder him, but at the same time I know that he won't let himself be hindered...even if he is cramped.

And so, lest anyone think my son is handicapped, I present part two of our first meeting with FX so you can understand what a remarkable person he is. May we all be so handicapable.

Yipes!!!

Sorry, I seemed to have stalled out a bit. The end of the semester is a crunch and we mount a new show on Jan. 4th so things are pretty crunched getting into Christmas break.

Which reminds me.

A good friend was going to CN on business and he was kind enough to drop by some Christmas presents to our son. We actually sent some to the two other older boys as well, so as not to tip our hand. I am attaching some pictures.

About a month ago, YY started figuring out that we were in the process of adopting again. It has been a strange little journey. I wasn't sure if his mind was trying to blend out the fact that we haven't always been with him, but in the last month he has been secure enough to bring it up from time to time. (Not that it has affected his bonding to us. We are bonded supa tight! )

So he started asking about the process. He wants a brother and a sister. He has been excited to talk about bunk beds and sharing his toys. He is so excited.

And then, of course, he figured out it was FX last week. He could hardly be contained. He told me at dinner one night, "FX is going to be my brother and it is all because of me."

I said yes and laughed it off.

I'm not sure that I am laughing anymore. This past week it has become more and more evident to me that it is all because of him. We would never had considered FX without having been changed by YY. We never would have known that FX even existed without YY.

We debated the pros and cons for YY if we did this and we weighed the options for him and FX as well. And in the end, the only reason we were given FX, could even find his paperwork, was because everybody was moved by their special friendship at BS. So, yes, YY. It is because of you or by way of you.

We write our own stories as we go along, but so often we don't really know the whole. We close the chapter and isolate the anecdote without seeing the larger narrative. I had no way to know that meeting son #1 would be God's way of introducing me to son #2 (who is actually, son #1. I guess the first will really be last this time!)

YY prays for FX every night, and at every meal. And he asks me everyday if he can pray for a sister too. I keep telling him that we have to get FX home and settled first, but he says he will still pray anyway.

Why did I teach him about praying so early? We are so hosed.

Thanksgiving

Whew! We made it through Thanksgiving. Almost Christmas break, almost Christmas break. For those who don't know, on top of my teaching schedule (which is relatively light), I do technical production for about 14 major events from Sept. to April, plus parent nights, awards assemblies, special events etc. As you can imagine, it is fairly wall-to-wall and leaves Anna (God bless her) to be a single parent much of the time. YY and I make the most of every gap in the schedule I can find, but Anna still bears the bulk of the load right now.
No complaints, mind you. We knew what it would be like when we chose to adopt. The school has gone out of it's way to be accommodating to me and they have been very generous. We weighed the cost of this tower before we started building. Special needs adoption would mean that Anna would have to leave her job. Working at my school would mean I could not pick up another job. Our income would go to half and Anna's workload would double (at least).
We could have chosen for me to find another job that paid more or with a less demanding schedule, but starting all over would have meant years of delay in the next adoption as my work history stabilized again. We could have chosen a less demanding special need (in either adoption). But as we weighed the cost, we were convinced that the time was now...and the child was FX.

And I am Thankful. We walked a difficult path early in our marriage and it made our marriage stronger. Trusting God, day by day, for even the food that you will eat has a way of strengthening a marriage. You both are cling by a thread, but you both recognize that it is the only thread there is. I could spend days telling you about all the sublime and miraculous ways that God cared for us in those days. Just get me started. His faithfulness is unbelievable...His ways of providing were pretty unbelievable too! (honestly, don't get me started unless you really have the time. I love to tell those stories.)

And so I preach this to myself and not to you. This post is to remind me to be Thankful for the uncertain, the impossible and the insurmountable nature of bringing FX home. We have been here before. Many times before. It tested our nerves, our faith and our marriage. It tested our will and sense of what was fair in the world. It rewrote almost every scrap of my philosophy and Theology. But it made me a man, and I would not have been the father my boys needed without being refined in that crucible.

I am Thankful that we get to do it again. I am thankful that this will be forever a part of my son's story. I am Thankful. When he wonders at cruelty or hardship, or feels like he should just give up, I am thankful that he will know that God has already conquered the uncertainty, confounded the impossibility, and placed his flag right on the peak of that insurmountable mountain.

I wish it was easy, but for his sake; for YY's sake; and for my sake I am Thankful that it isn't. I can't wait tell this story. You are my witnesses. Hold on for the ride and see what He does.

Happy Thanksgiving.

The edge of a knife

Adopting a child you know, from a country that doesn't want you to know anything about the child you adopt, is like standing on the edge of a knife. A very long knife, to be sure.

The CN government doesn't really like for people to adopt specific children, so we can't do too much to draw attention to ourselves. On the other hand, the caretakers know and want to tell because they don't want to see this sweet boy suffering from thinking that no family wants him.

CN doesn't like for us to have much contact, Caretakers want us to lay it all on the table.

And what about FX? What would he want? Is it better to tell him now, knowing that it could be a year or more of waiting. What if the process stalls out? What if we hit a snag? Would we start trying to skype in every week or so to check in? It seems like kindness on one hand, but it also seems that this distant familiarity might actually harm real bonding when we finally come together. Would we be the housemates he is coming to live with; his permanent exchange family?

I look at the pictures of him and know that he is getting older by the day. We long to bring him home. We long to tell him that he is our son. But part of me fears that this might be more painful, more distressing than continuing on with "aunties" who love him, unaware that we are here until we get some hard deadlines. At least then his life is normal, for a while.

Perhaps the Ayi's should tell him that he is being adopted and that they will learn more about his family when the time comes. I am not really sure that this is possible. Everyone there is so excited about his coming to be with YY that I am pretty sure any crack in the wall will result in the entire dam bursting.

And so for now, we walk the knife. The blade cuts deeply into our feet with every step, but at least we always have a pretty clear idea where the next step has to land. The way is narrow and straight the gate...

First Meetings

O.K.
So tomorrow is the big adoption walk at Grace Chapel. We are so excited that some of you will be coming out to walk with us, it is about the only way I get enough time to see some of you. We are excited!
But since it is tomorrow, I thought I should give you a chance to meet FX the way we did, before we knew anything about his incredible story.
In the weeks proceeding our travel to China to pick up YoYo, We were allowed to Skype the foster home on several occasions to talk to him. I don't know if you've tried to get a Three year old to talk on the phone, but it is even weirder when you (a stranger) are trying to get them to talk to you on them computer in a language they don't understand. So the first time we tried,YoYo stared at the screen for about 12 seconds and wanted to go play. I'm sure he couldn't figure out why he should talk back to the TV.
We decided to sit a bit and see if he would come back, and so one of the Ayi's mentioned that YoYo's "older brother" wanted to know if he could practice his english. So this boy pops himself onto the bench and begins to talk to us in English which is remarkable for a boy of eight in the middle of Beijiing.
As we talked, YoYo became curious as to what he was going on so he jumped up on the stool too. Little did I dream, at that moment, that the day that I first talked to my son, I was talking to both of them at the same time. I took a picture, but I can't find it. Arrgghh.
But what I can find is this...a clip from our first day at the foster home. The foster home director had the imagination to take our camera so that she could film our first moments with YoYo. In order to give YoYo time to become comfortable enough to come meet us, she introduced us first to FX. If this dear friend (now a friend) hadn't, inexplicably, decided to film that meeting too, we wouldn't have any of this footage. I was busy writing my story in the moment, but God was reading pages I couldn't even imagine!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you....YoYo's elder brother, FX
p.s. the sound might be a little wiggy, I'm not sure.