Mullering about.

OK, so we have this wall of fees on the fridge. It lists our impending fees before we start making travel arrangements. The top left post-it is for the dossier fee and 2nd agency fee, which have to be paid before we send this gianourmous packet of papers (doss) to ch*n* for processing. This is an important step because it is all the legal paperwork needed for the Ch*n*s*to start making the adoption official. Once it is sent in, we begin the countdown clock to travel(ish).

Well, woohoo! We got the paperwork back and are ready to send it in...right?

Eh, there is the little matter of the top left post-it note. $3850...which, of course, we don't have.

And, of course, I have staked everything on the fact that God will provide the money we need when we need it. It was really stressing wife out, because the doss is in our hands now and some of our papers in it will expire soon if we don't get it sent off soon.

Now at the same time, literally we were having some confusion about something on my w2 and I had to talk to the HR director to figure it out before I could do taxes. And, naturally, the rare crippling snow fall would hit just then, setting off a chain of events preventing me from getting that straightened out for almost a week. So we were in a holding pattern as we tried to decide what to do.

During the wait, God did something really sweet. We were going through pictures on an old hard drive and found all kinds of pictures. FX playing, FX and YY, Me holding FX. I don't really remember taking these pictures, but it was a reminder that God ordained this boy to be ours long before we had the slightest inkling.

Fast forward to this week(Tues). By now Wife is stressed beyond belief over the money. We discuss taking out a short term loan and decide that Wife will check out rates the next morning. As we are going to sleep at 2am Wife said, "We've been trusting that God would do this when we need it and we need it now. We may be George Mullering* it, but there's no bread and milk trucks outside."

Now I maybe thick as a whale omelet, but I've learned the hard way on that one. I am comfortable with Mullering, and wife has taken it like a trooper for 16 years. But often, when she is feeling overwhelmed, I think an inspiring story will comfort and encourage her (call it the old preacher in me.) What I see as a pep talk can be a heavy load to my wife. She's dealing with real emotion and it seems that I am saying, "if you only had more faith..." which is unintended but still condemnation. So I had tactfully avoided mentioning Muller this entire process. "Well, maybe there will be one tomorrow."

Fast forward 18 hours. Earlier in the day, wife had contacted the agency and found out that our fee was $300 less than we were expecting. Only $3530 to go. She asked me to do the taxes(which I had stalled out on) and see if we would get back enough to help cut some of what we would need to borrow. So turbotax and I sat down to work that evening to discover...our return covered the 2900 agency fee. Oh with enough to cover the doss fee as well. Oh and enough left over (literally) to cover what I had spent to buy turbotax.

We were worried and befuddled, but God had already worked it out to the dime. And if there hadn't been that question on the w2, we would have known before the doss came back and Wife could have missed the stress...although I probably would have socked it away on credit cards (we put the surprise excess from YY's adoption on a card. ouch. don't do it!) So here's the new talley...

$3530 down (plus $4100 already paid)

$7460 to go (plus travel, renovations, surgeries, credit card.)

Baby step, joyfully, to the fridge and mark on the top left post-it note, "Provided."

(*Muller lived a life of extreme faith, taking in countless orphans and trusting that God would provide. The story goes: on one occasion, there was no food for the children at lunch time, but Muller insisted on blessing the food anyway and trusting that the Lord would provide. At that moment, a bread and a milk truck had both broken down outside the house and the drivers rang the door bell to see if the family wanted the bread and milk, rather than letting it go to waste.)

The Wall of Fees

I promised many of you that I would post our needs, our trials and our victories so that they too could share in what God is doing to bring FX home. So here goes!

I placed post it notes on the fridge detailing what each section of fees costs. I did them individually so that as a need is taken care of, we can write the date as a reminder of what God has done...will do.

So here's The Wall of Fees.

Essentially, before we start with travel expenses (which can be hefty) we need the Lord to provide $11,010. Then we will need to gather funds for Travel, home renovations and the impending surgeries... baby step to the fridge. Those items will take care of themselves later.

I've now put it all up there for everyone to see. Again, I say that you are my witnesses. When God does it, I want you to rejoice with us over the magnitude of the miracle.

Christmas

Ok, I promise that this will be brighter than Yesterday's post. Lots of good things are going on, and I will tell you soon. In the meantime, here is a video I promised of FX from before Christmas.

Like any group of motherly/aunties, the AYI's decided that FX should film a thank you note to YY for the presents. And like any preteen boy, he gets appropriately frozen by the pressure. Don't be their monkey, son. The inch you give them today, will come back to haunt you tomorrow! What? No,no. Don't do Jingle Bells. Don't do it!

That's it. It's time for an intervention. Daddy's on the way.

More vids to come!

Can I be honest with you for this post? Can I be honest with myself for more than a minute?

There are giants. I have no doubt that God can conquer them, but I know they are there.

It makes me feel ashamed. My head or my spirit says that inside those huge walls are only average sized obstacles, but as I stand here mustering my courage, I am quaking in my boots. Just by trust, indeed.

When we started this journey, after much prayer, I knew some of the obstacles that we would face. I was aware of the impossible strain that this would put on our finances and even our marriage. I knew in my heart that freaky things would go wrong and that we would be tempted to turn back.

Some (of the eight of you who actually read this) know that as soon as we had confirmation that we could get FX, I began calling him my son, using his name and sharing our/his story. Some of you see this was good, expectant fatherhood. I have proclaimed boldly that finances and miracles are God's details to work out and not ours, which some may perceive to be faith. I fear that it was more like lashing myself to the plow, and whipping the horse. I can't leave any wiggle room for my oh so faithless heart. I committed to this new son of mine with my words and reputation from the start, and to everyone that I knew, so that the cost of turning back would be just to high.

My wife calls FX the treasure hidden in a field. I believe that is true and I have sold all my freedom and second chances to buy him. I had to because I know my lazy, unfeeling heart.

So much has happened. So many good things like fingerprints being done, the final US immigrations approval coming back so quickly, and strangers offering to come help remodel the house to accommodate FX. So many good things have seen us through the desert of paperwork.

But now, I am standing at the river looking across at the giant fortress ahead.

• We are maybe five or six months from travel and we are far from reaching the amount we need to raise. NO problem, God owns the cattle on a thousand hills.
• We probably won't be able to move or add on to accommodate FX. No problem, we'll knock out some walls and throw away stuff-build some ramps, etc.

These aren't giants, and they don't seem like them to me, though I know that they are too much for us. We knew those giants were in the land. Then there is the freaky stuff like:

• Wife hitting a deer this week with the car .
• tonight a leak in the roof recurred that we had fixed before YY came home.
• Thursday the Quarry blasts pulled all the crown moulding apart from the ceiling and knocked cabinets out of line.

My wife pointed out that in less than a week, suddenly our house is back in much the same situation it was before we left to pick up YY. It feels to her as if it has erased the hard work that so many people put into fixing our home.

But those are not my giants. I know that even if we have to fight uphill to get the quarry to pay for it, we will get it taken care of. I know that the leak can be fixed. I am grateful that Wife was driving my old metal hood car and not the new break away hood car that we use to take YY everywhere.

I see my giant not in the fortress on the other side of the river. I see my giant staring back at me in the water itself. My own worst enemy. I have absolute faith that God can work out all the details and conquer the inevitable freakishness. But what will be the cost of my faltering leadership; my failure to prioritize; my inability to comfort my wife (instead of lecturing her)?

Do I know my own heart? Is what I perceive to be faith really apathy? Is what I perceive to be patience really just laziness? How often is what I believe to be meekness really only my lack of courage. What sort of time am I costing FX and us? What blessings am I blocking from this family?

Who can save me from this monster that I see all to well in my reflection?

There is One, and One alone who can. But it takes every scrap of faith that I have to believe that I will ever be able to let Him. I see the giant before me, clear as day, and it terrifies me.