Can I be honest with you for this post? Can I be honest with myself for more than a minute?

There are giants. I have no doubt that God can conquer them, but I know they are there.

It makes me feel ashamed. My head or my spirit says that inside those huge walls are only average sized obstacles, but as I stand here mustering my courage, I am quaking in my boots. Just by trust, indeed.

When we started this journey, after much prayer, I knew some of the obstacles that we would face. I was aware of the impossible strain that this would put on our finances and even our marriage. I knew in my heart that freaky things would go wrong and that we would be tempted to turn back.

Some (of the eight of you who actually read this) know that as soon as we had confirmation that we could get FX, I began calling him my son, using his name and sharing our/his story. Some of you see this was good, expectant fatherhood. I have proclaimed boldly that finances and miracles are God's details to work out and not ours, which some may perceive to be faith. I fear that it was more like lashing myself to the plow, and whipping the horse. I can't leave any wiggle room for my oh so faithless heart. I committed to this new son of mine with my words and reputation from the start, and to everyone that I knew, so that the cost of turning back would be just to high.

My wife calls FX the treasure hidden in a field. I believe that is true and I have sold all my freedom and second chances to buy him. I had to because I know my lazy, unfeeling heart.

So much has happened. So many good things like fingerprints being done, the final US immigrations approval coming back so quickly, and strangers offering to come help remodel the house to accommodate FX. So many good things have seen us through the desert of paperwork.

But now, I am standing at the river looking across at the giant fortress ahead.

• We are maybe five or six months from travel and we are far from reaching the amount we need to raise. NO problem, God owns the cattle on a thousand hills.
• We probably won't be able to move or add on to accommodate FX. No problem, we'll knock out some walls and throw away stuff-build some ramps, etc.

These aren't giants, and they don't seem like them to me, though I know that they are too much for us. We knew those giants were in the land. Then there is the freaky stuff like:

• Wife hitting a deer this week with the car .
• tonight a leak in the roof recurred that we had fixed before YY came home.
• Thursday the Quarry blasts pulled all the crown moulding apart from the ceiling and knocked cabinets out of line.

My wife pointed out that in less than a week, suddenly our house is back in much the same situation it was before we left to pick up YY. It feels to her as if it has erased the hard work that so many people put into fixing our home.

But those are not my giants. I know that even if we have to fight uphill to get the quarry to pay for it, we will get it taken care of. I know that the leak can be fixed. I am grateful that Wife was driving my old metal hood car and not the new break away hood car that we use to take YY everywhere.

I see my giant not in the fortress on the other side of the river. I see my giant staring back at me in the water itself. My own worst enemy. I have absolute faith that God can work out all the details and conquer the inevitable freakishness. But what will be the cost of my faltering leadership; my failure to prioritize; my inability to comfort my wife (instead of lecturing her)?

Do I know my own heart? Is what I perceive to be faith really apathy? Is what I perceive to be patience really just laziness? How often is what I believe to be meekness really only my lack of courage. What sort of time am I costing FX and us? What blessings am I blocking from this family?

Who can save me from this monster that I see all to well in my reflection?

There is One, and One alone who can. But it takes every scrap of faith that I have to believe that I will ever be able to let Him. I see the giant before me, clear as day, and it terrifies me.