The edge of a knife

Adopting a child you know, from a country that doesn't want you to know anything about the child you adopt, is like standing on the edge of a knife. A very long knife, to be sure.

The CN government doesn't really like for people to adopt specific children, so we can't do too much to draw attention to ourselves. On the other hand, the caretakers know and want to tell because they don't want to see this sweet boy suffering from thinking that no family wants him.

CN doesn't like for us to have much contact, Caretakers want us to lay it all on the table.

And what about FX? What would he want? Is it better to tell him now, knowing that it could be a year or more of waiting. What if the process stalls out? What if we hit a snag? Would we start trying to skype in every week or so to check in? It seems like kindness on one hand, but it also seems that this distant familiarity might actually harm real bonding when we finally come together. Would we be the housemates he is coming to live with; his permanent exchange family?

I look at the pictures of him and know that he is getting older by the day. We long to bring him home. We long to tell him that he is our son. But part of me fears that this might be more painful, more distressing than continuing on with "aunties" who love him, unaware that we are here until we get some hard deadlines. At least then his life is normal, for a while.

Perhaps the Ayi's should tell him that he is being adopted and that they will learn more about his family when the time comes. I am not really sure that this is possible. Everyone there is so excited about his coming to be with YY that I am pretty sure any crack in the wall will result in the entire dam bursting.

And so for now, we walk the knife. The blade cuts deeply into our feet with every step, but at least we always have a pretty clear idea where the next step has to land. The way is narrow and straight the gate...