Mullering about.

OK, so we have this wall of fees on the fridge. It lists our impending fees before we start making travel arrangements. The top left post-it is for the dossier fee and 2nd agency fee, which have to be paid before we send this gianourmous packet of papers (doss) to ch*n* for processing. This is an important step because it is all the legal paperwork needed for the Ch*n*s*to start making the adoption official. Once it is sent in, we begin the countdown clock to travel(ish).

Well, woohoo! We got the paperwork back and are ready to send it in...right?

Eh, there is the little matter of the top left post-it note. $3850...which, of course, we don't have.

And, of course, I have staked everything on the fact that God will provide the money we need when we need it. It was really stressing wife out, because the doss is in our hands now and some of our papers in it will expire soon if we don't get it sent off soon.

Now at the same time, literally we were having some confusion about something on my w2 and I had to talk to the HR director to figure it out before I could do taxes. And, naturally, the rare crippling snow fall would hit just then, setting off a chain of events preventing me from getting that straightened out for almost a week. So we were in a holding pattern as we tried to decide what to do.

During the wait, God did something really sweet. We were going through pictures on an old hard drive and found all kinds of pictures. FX playing, FX and YY, Me holding FX. I don't really remember taking these pictures, but it was a reminder that God ordained this boy to be ours long before we had the slightest inkling.

Fast forward to this week(Tues). By now Wife is stressed beyond belief over the money. We discuss taking out a short term loan and decide that Wife will check out rates the next morning. As we are going to sleep at 2am Wife said, "We've been trusting that God would do this when we need it and we need it now. We may be George Mullering* it, but there's no bread and milk trucks outside."

Now I maybe thick as a whale omelet, but I've learned the hard way on that one. I am comfortable with Mullering, and wife has taken it like a trooper for 16 years. But often, when she is feeling overwhelmed, I think an inspiring story will comfort and encourage her (call it the old preacher in me.) What I see as a pep talk can be a heavy load to my wife. She's dealing with real emotion and it seems that I am saying, "if you only had more faith..." which is unintended but still condemnation. So I had tactfully avoided mentioning Muller this entire process. "Well, maybe there will be one tomorrow."

Fast forward 18 hours. Earlier in the day, wife had contacted the agency and found out that our fee was $300 less than we were expecting. Only $3530 to go. She asked me to do the taxes(which I had stalled out on) and see if we would get back enough to help cut some of what we would need to borrow. So turbotax and I sat down to work that evening to discover...our return covered the 2900 agency fee. Oh with enough to cover the doss fee as well. Oh and enough left over (literally) to cover what I had spent to buy turbotax.

We were worried and befuddled, but God had already worked it out to the dime. And if there hadn't been that question on the w2, we would have known before the doss came back and Wife could have missed the stress...although I probably would have socked it away on credit cards (we put the surprise excess from YY's adoption on a card. ouch. don't do it!) So here's the new talley...

$3530 down (plus $4100 already paid)

$7460 to go (plus travel, renovations, surgeries, credit card.)

Baby step, joyfully, to the fridge and mark on the top left post-it note, "Provided."

(*Muller lived a life of extreme faith, taking in countless orphans and trusting that God would provide. The story goes: on one occasion, there was no food for the children at lunch time, but Muller insisted on blessing the food anyway and trusting that the Lord would provide. At that moment, a bread and a milk truck had both broken down outside the house and the drivers rang the door bell to see if the family wanted the bread and milk, rather than letting it go to waste.)

The Wall of Fees

I promised many of you that I would post our needs, our trials and our victories so that they too could share in what God is doing to bring FX home. So here goes!

I placed post it notes on the fridge detailing what each section of fees costs. I did them individually so that as a need is taken care of, we can write the date as a reminder of what God has done...will do.

So here's The Wall of Fees.

Essentially, before we start with travel expenses (which can be hefty) we need the Lord to provide $11,010. Then we will need to gather funds for Travel, home renovations and the impending surgeries... baby step to the fridge. Those items will take care of themselves later.

I've now put it all up there for everyone to see. Again, I say that you are my witnesses. When God does it, I want you to rejoice with us over the magnitude of the miracle.

Christmas

Ok, I promise that this will be brighter than Yesterday's post. Lots of good things are going on, and I will tell you soon. In the meantime, here is a video I promised of FX from before Christmas.

Like any group of motherly/aunties, the AYI's decided that FX should film a thank you note to YY for the presents. And like any preteen boy, he gets appropriately frozen by the pressure. Don't be their monkey, son. The inch you give them today, will come back to haunt you tomorrow! What? No,no. Don't do Jingle Bells. Don't do it!

That's it. It's time for an intervention. Daddy's on the way.

More vids to come!

Can I be honest with you for this post? Can I be honest with myself for more than a minute?

There are giants. I have no doubt that God can conquer them, but I know they are there.

It makes me feel ashamed. My head or my spirit says that inside those huge walls are only average sized obstacles, but as I stand here mustering my courage, I am quaking in my boots. Just by trust, indeed.

When we started this journey, after much prayer, I knew some of the obstacles that we would face. I was aware of the impossible strain that this would put on our finances and even our marriage. I knew in my heart that freaky things would go wrong and that we would be tempted to turn back.

Some (of the eight of you who actually read this) know that as soon as we had confirmation that we could get FX, I began calling him my son, using his name and sharing our/his story. Some of you see this was good, expectant fatherhood. I have proclaimed boldly that finances and miracles are God's details to work out and not ours, which some may perceive to be faith. I fear that it was more like lashing myself to the plow, and whipping the horse. I can't leave any wiggle room for my oh so faithless heart. I committed to this new son of mine with my words and reputation from the start, and to everyone that I knew, so that the cost of turning back would be just to high.

My wife calls FX the treasure hidden in a field. I believe that is true and I have sold all my freedom and second chances to buy him. I had to because I know my lazy, unfeeling heart.

So much has happened. So many good things like fingerprints being done, the final US immigrations approval coming back so quickly, and strangers offering to come help remodel the house to accommodate FX. So many good things have seen us through the desert of paperwork.

But now, I am standing at the river looking across at the giant fortress ahead.

• We are maybe five or six months from travel and we are far from reaching the amount we need to raise. NO problem, God owns the cattle on a thousand hills.
• We probably won't be able to move or add on to accommodate FX. No problem, we'll knock out some walls and throw away stuff-build some ramps, etc.

These aren't giants, and they don't seem like them to me, though I know that they are too much for us. We knew those giants were in the land. Then there is the freaky stuff like:

• Wife hitting a deer this week with the car .
• tonight a leak in the roof recurred that we had fixed before YY came home.
• Thursday the Quarry blasts pulled all the crown moulding apart from the ceiling and knocked cabinets out of line.

My wife pointed out that in less than a week, suddenly our house is back in much the same situation it was before we left to pick up YY. It feels to her as if it has erased the hard work that so many people put into fixing our home.

But those are not my giants. I know that even if we have to fight uphill to get the quarry to pay for it, we will get it taken care of. I know that the leak can be fixed. I am grateful that Wife was driving my old metal hood car and not the new break away hood car that we use to take YY everywhere.

I see my giant not in the fortress on the other side of the river. I see my giant staring back at me in the water itself. My own worst enemy. I have absolute faith that God can work out all the details and conquer the inevitable freakishness. But what will be the cost of my faltering leadership; my failure to prioritize; my inability to comfort my wife (instead of lecturing her)?

Do I know my own heart? Is what I perceive to be faith really apathy? Is what I perceive to be patience really just laziness? How often is what I believe to be meekness really only my lack of courage. What sort of time am I costing FX and us? What blessings am I blocking from this family?

Who can save me from this monster that I see all to well in my reflection?

There is One, and One alone who can. But it takes every scrap of faith that I have to believe that I will ever be able to let Him. I see the giant before me, clear as day, and it terrifies me.

Handicaps

Our good friend, Lao T just returned from CN where he was kind enough to take presents to our son. Dear brother that he is, he always makes it seem like trekking to the other side of one of the world's largest cities to drop some presents or letters to our little boy is no big deal. I have made the journey...and it is a huge deal Lao T. What a blessing to have that kind of a friend.

But, wait, there's more. No, Lao T didn't just drop the presents and run. He went in and spent some time videotaping and chatting. He helped FX read our letters and filmed his responses. He gauged whether or not FX had any idea of what was happening. He gathered info about FX's schooling and his spirits. and rather than just dumping us a tape, he is editing together the footage for us (which I hope we will be able to pass on soon.) Who has friends like that? Oh, we do.

During lunch today, our jet lagged friend was telling us about his trip. At one point in the conversation he turned to me and said, "by the way, he isn't handicapped. I don't think he thinks of himself as handicapped. He gets around everywhere he wants to go. And he directs the other children, taking care of them and telling them what to do."

Tell me about it. He is a most remarkable boy and we fell in love with him instantly. He spends much of his time out of his wheel chair and just rolls around (with lightning speed) to get where he is going. That is a huge part of why we need to renovate the house (or move). If he were just wheel chair bound, we could work out traffic patterns and furnishings. But in our cramped house, he would almost be entirely wheel chair bound because he could only roll a few feet in the living room and could never easily make it down the hall to his own room. Of course, as I write this I know that if this is the best we can do...he will adapt. Not because he has to settle, but because it is what he does. He is an overcomer. I don't want us to cramp or hinder him, but at the same time I know that he won't let himself be hindered...even if he is cramped.

And so, lest anyone think my son is handicapped, I present part two of our first meeting with FX so you can understand what a remarkable person he is. May we all be so handicapable.

Yipes!!!

Sorry, I seemed to have stalled out a bit. The end of the semester is a crunch and we mount a new show on Jan. 4th so things are pretty crunched getting into Christmas break.

Which reminds me.

A good friend was going to CN on business and he was kind enough to drop by some Christmas presents to our son. We actually sent some to the two other older boys as well, so as not to tip our hand. I am attaching some pictures.

About a month ago, YY started figuring out that we were in the process of adopting again. It has been a strange little journey. I wasn't sure if his mind was trying to blend out the fact that we haven't always been with him, but in the last month he has been secure enough to bring it up from time to time. (Not that it has affected his bonding to us. We are bonded supa tight! )

So he started asking about the process. He wants a brother and a sister. He has been excited to talk about bunk beds and sharing his toys. He is so excited.

And then, of course, he figured out it was FX last week. He could hardly be contained. He told me at dinner one night, "FX is going to be my brother and it is all because of me."

I said yes and laughed it off.

I'm not sure that I am laughing anymore. This past week it has become more and more evident to me that it is all because of him. We would never had considered FX without having been changed by YY. We never would have known that FX even existed without YY.

We debated the pros and cons for YY if we did this and we weighed the options for him and FX as well. And in the end, the only reason we were given FX, could even find his paperwork, was because everybody was moved by their special friendship at BS. So, yes, YY. It is because of you or by way of you.

We write our own stories as we go along, but so often we don't really know the whole. We close the chapter and isolate the anecdote without seeing the larger narrative. I had no way to know that meeting son #1 would be God's way of introducing me to son #2 (who is actually, son #1. I guess the first will really be last this time!)

YY prays for FX every night, and at every meal. And he asks me everyday if he can pray for a sister too. I keep telling him that we have to get FX home and settled first, but he says he will still pray anyway.

Why did I teach him about praying so early? We are so hosed.

Thanksgiving

Whew! We made it through Thanksgiving. Almost Christmas break, almost Christmas break. For those who don't know, on top of my teaching schedule (which is relatively light), I do technical production for about 14 major events from Sept. to April, plus parent nights, awards assemblies, special events etc. As you can imagine, it is fairly wall-to-wall and leaves Anna (God bless her) to be a single parent much of the time. YY and I make the most of every gap in the schedule I can find, but Anna still bears the bulk of the load right now.
No complaints, mind you. We knew what it would be like when we chose to adopt. The school has gone out of it's way to be accommodating to me and they have been very generous. We weighed the cost of this tower before we started building. Special needs adoption would mean that Anna would have to leave her job. Working at my school would mean I could not pick up another job. Our income would go to half and Anna's workload would double (at least).
We could have chosen for me to find another job that paid more or with a less demanding schedule, but starting all over would have meant years of delay in the next adoption as my work history stabilized again. We could have chosen a less demanding special need (in either adoption). But as we weighed the cost, we were convinced that the time was now...and the child was FX.

And I am Thankful. We walked a difficult path early in our marriage and it made our marriage stronger. Trusting God, day by day, for even the food that you will eat has a way of strengthening a marriage. You both are cling by a thread, but you both recognize that it is the only thread there is. I could spend days telling you about all the sublime and miraculous ways that God cared for us in those days. Just get me started. His faithfulness is unbelievable...His ways of providing were pretty unbelievable too! (honestly, don't get me started unless you really have the time. I love to tell those stories.)

And so I preach this to myself and not to you. This post is to remind me to be Thankful for the uncertain, the impossible and the insurmountable nature of bringing FX home. We have been here before. Many times before. It tested our nerves, our faith and our marriage. It tested our will and sense of what was fair in the world. It rewrote almost every scrap of my philosophy and Theology. But it made me a man, and I would not have been the father my boys needed without being refined in that crucible.

I am Thankful that we get to do it again. I am thankful that this will be forever a part of my son's story. I am Thankful. When he wonders at cruelty or hardship, or feels like he should just give up, I am thankful that he will know that God has already conquered the uncertainty, confounded the impossibility, and placed his flag right on the peak of that insurmountable mountain.

I wish it was easy, but for his sake; for YY's sake; and for my sake I am Thankful that it isn't. I can't wait tell this story. You are my witnesses. Hold on for the ride and see what He does.

Happy Thanksgiving.